All or Nothing.

Splitting (also called all-or-nothing thinking) is the failure in a person’s thinking to bring together both positive and negative qualities of the self and others into a cohesive, realistic whole.

I am all or nothing.

There are only 2 outcomes for anything I do in my life; I want total perfection and to be the absolute best; admired, known and successful. Whatever the situation, I need to excel. But, this is unrealistic, so my only other option is that I will fail. If I can’t perfect or be perfect at whatever I am doing, I regard this as failure, so cue the anxiety, the depression, the worry – the punishment.

My therapist (eventually) wants to find a middle ground, where I can be content with mingling on the flat grounds of ordinary. Just a barren land of indifference , uniformity and people blended into magnolia walls. It’s like I have a desire for attention, attention I failed to receive in younger years, but yet my child self that has fully overstayed its welcome won’t let this happen as it’s too far from my comfort zone, my familiarities. The conflicts and contrasts that duel in my brain all day long are starting to get tiring. Very tiring. I don’t know what I want, who I am, or what I love. My only recollections are of negative status.

I want to be noticed and recognised and loved and cherished – because of my perfectionist nature and overwhelming need to be the best and not settling for anything less. But I can only be noticed by becoming nothing and unnoticeable, as I am not good enough and will never be good enough to achieve the former.

So I’m 22 but being ruled by my 7 year-old self’s subconscious emotions. MINDFUCK.

Should probably read Sigmund Freud now as the Oedipal Complex is more likely to make sense than what’s in my head.