Image by Camdiluv
It’s been a while since I have blogged like this; updating the WordPress community about my whereabouts in this chaos we call life. But several things with significant importance have occurred since the clock struck midnight on new year’s eve. Despite being only 26 days in, I have experienced a break up, a promotion, (soon-to-be) moving out and a small, but confidence inducing, creative opportunity. 2015 is definitely going to be one to remember.
New year’s day began with a breakup. My one and half year relationship finally surpassed its display by, sell by and use by date. He was a massive impact upon my life and he taught me a lot, and although normally beyond my usual coping mechanisms of sinking back into severe depression, I aim to see the good in this ‘conscious uncoupling’. So far it’s been working well for me. Life is a book, and I’m only several chapters in – it would be criminal not to endeavour in more adventures and write the best book I possibly can. It’s this mantra I am trying hard to grapple on to and really try to understand and practice. Although ending something at the time feels like armageddon, if you focus so hard on the door that’s just closed, you’ll never find the ones that are open just waiting for you to walk through and embrace the contents within.
And that’s exactly what happened – yes this post is going to be cheesy and cliche as fuck. The first door was almost thrust in my face and I had to walk through it, although its path is still unknown to me. I received a promotion at work, which is great. Ka-ching! It also means I have senior in my job title – like I said, we’ll play this door by ear and see how much this benefits me in the future. Writing is my passion and I barely do an ounce of it in my job, but the recognition of my hard work, creativity and progress has been duly noted and I’ll try not to find a negative in it. (Sorry, I already have)
However the next door is one filled with excitement, apprehension, anxiety, dread, happiness, freedom and maybe loneliness. Sounds as though I should run very far away from this door doesn’t it? It definitely is a scary leap, but one I hope I land on my feet with. At the ripe old age of 23 I am finally fleeing the nest. To some reading, you might feel as though I’ve definitely overstayed my welcome, however living with a mental health disorder makes even the simplest of tasks completely overwhelming, let alone saying goodbye to the comfort of my bedroom. But it’s this very room which is potentially destroying me, closing in on me and amplifying my anxiety and depression, not to mention the eating disorder. This room that I have practically lived out of for 12 years brings mixed emotions. It is safe. But it is also a reminder of the girl I became. This room is associated with binges and purges, panic attacks and meltdowns. This room has starved me of so many things, as I obeyed it’s pull on me to remain solitary and silent. In this room, time stands still – with each minute I remain here I am not growing or progressing, I just exist.
I am hoping that moving out into my own place will uplift me out of depression and help me focus on the positivity in the world. I hope to write more, as writing in this room is so hard. The strength I need to pick up my laptop and write is overbearing. I need space. I am hoping to see more of my friends. I hope to engage in more social activities instead of being drawn back to the safe, impending magnet that is this room. I hope to immerse myself more in the cultures that I wish to endeavour in, and that brings me swiftly on to my final door that has unlocked itself for me this year. If you follow my blog you’ll be aware that I write poetry, however in the past 6 months or so I’ve felt an urge to pursue this more than I am already. I ensure to update my online portfolio and even entered a competition with a piece of poetry written as spoken word – I feel as though I have already won despite what happens, as pressing ‘submit’ has been such a battle in the past that my mental health always triumphed and I’d store the file away in my computer never to be looked at again.
My poetry is something I actually feel proud of and I received some small, but happy news today that I have been approached to be involved in a new theatre project for autistic adults. The creator of the project has read my poetry and enjoys my writing style, and asks that I write 2 poems for the show.
Considering 1st January 2015 looked bleak, I am glad that the fog didn’t obscure my vision too much. If 3 doors opened in 25 days, let’s hope there are more lined up, eagerly anticipating my arrival.
The Skinny Fat Girl 