Daytime binges are the absolute worst. They’re the cuts to my paper, the burns to my carpet; basically they’re just crap. I feel completely out of control of this. Eating disorders are meant to be a power and control surge, but for the most part I’ve been powerless, utterly manipulated by the voices in my head. I binge and purge to try to shift the feeling of being fat, huge and disgusting, however after the gruelling process is complete I still feel fat, huge and disgusting. Why do we not learn from this? Is it like childbirth where you forget the pain, hence why women go on to have more children? I try to remind myself of how I’ll feel after; ‘Dan, you will feel like shit. You will feel SO much better if you don’t binge, you’ll feel in control again and happier for that’, but time and time again the voices battle in my head and the one that’s saying ‘It’ll be different this time’ always comes up trumps.
It’s never different.
I look back over the years since I’ve had this disorder and I think I look smaller, felt smaller. I am noticing clothes that once bagged are now fitting. At the moment I feel huge, frumpy and depressed. I want back the days where I didn’t binge and could keep an apple down, as in hindsight those were thinner times, possibly happier times. But something escalated to where an apple was too much so I needed to binge in order to purge. Cue the tautological dilemma.
The BP Dilemma
Note: this is not just in one day, but the cycle is continuous.
I can’t stand looking at pictures of myself these days, as I don’t feel as small as I once was. I need to beat these binges; I’ve done it once before so surely I can do it again.
The Skinny Fat Girl 